The list of "what ifs" today feel as though it's getting longer and never ending to be honest... The moment I feel a slight glimpse of wellness..I pick up right where I left off..taking on the world, making any progress seem like 2 steps forward and 10 steps back.
"What if I can't do school and be a stay at home mommy?"
"What if I never get my degree?"
"What if I am I terrible mom?"
"What if I'll never be happy again?"
"What if I'll FAIL, FAIL, FAIL?"
Terrible isn't it? Those persistent negative thoughts? I was trying to focus on school work today, completely unable to focus and it was like the words were jumbled on the screen...I am also having terrible memory loss. (A side effect of the meds) It's like I'll be going up the stairs to get something and as soon as I reach the third step, I'll have forgotten completely what I was going up there for! I know many people can relate to me, but this is constant and something I am not used to. To say the least it is SO FRUSTRATING-especially when your trying to do school work.
Focusing on anything is a joke right now... remembering how to use a fork is doing good at the moment. Telling me to write an analysis on a behavioral disorder is like telling me to build a space shuttle... and would you believe I am learning about behavioral disorders while going through my very own?? Talk about IRONIC?!?! *VERY BIG SIGH* ....today it feels as though the dream is getting further and further away, and these obsessive thoughts of being a failure are coming true.
I need a nap...
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