Oh the horrid shame...

So okay..here I am, revealing to you and the whole world about the deepest darkest secrets that I've kept hidden away for YEARS! Yes,YEARS folks...even now I'm afraid I'll lose contact with people in my life over this but eh- who cares and those who really know me love me...but I think that the awareness has got to get out. People right now may be suffering like me not knowing at all what the hell is going on with themselves or their brain... how the hell do you explain crazy, disturbing thoughts and images? Thoughts and images that repeat, repeat, and repeat till your mad and screaming inside your brain- STOP- SHUT UP!! Have you ever experienced this? Well if so, I understand you! THE STIGMA MUST END!

During a severely stressful time in my teenage life I watched a movie involving a serial killer and was convinced that it somehow related to me and that one day I would become a killer. I obsessed and obsessed over this and thought I was going insane. I avoided looking at, touching, or being near anything sharp (particularly kitchen knives) and was afraid I would turn on my family, I lived in pure fear.

 My husband took a new job, we moved to a new city, and on top of being a mom, I'm a full time student. I was pushing the limits. I became overwhelmed with stress. Out of nowhere I began to have images of hurting my baby and I became afraid to be alone with her...the images scared the living crap out of me and I was terrified I might lose it and hurt her. I thought to myself (NOT AGAIN!) The images would not escape my brain no matter how hard I tried to get rid of them. I was convinced for sure that if I told a soul that I be locked away forever or my husband would run away with our baby...I spent so much wasted time thinking that I was somehow secretly a bad person and waited for the day I would eventually snap and go crazy. I had tremendous amount of shame and guilt and these thoughts and images began to cause me serious anxiety along with panic attacks that landed me in the ER as well. This was just like when I was a teenager- I was unable to sleep, eat, and I avoided my baby and anything sharp like the friggin plague (kitchen knives again!?!)  I kept trying to rationalize my thoughts over and over, and I became so exhausted, scared for my life that I finally reached out for help..I was like, lock me away- I don't care-at least my baby will be safe.

Well guess what- I'm not crazy and all those terrible thoughts I was having are a complete LIE. Not until I recently experienced the black hole of what I now know is Postpartum OCD did I realize what was going on in my brain.There are several types of OCD and not one person or their symptoms may be the same but I deal with the oh- so- lovely pure obsession OCD. This is where someone has intrusive unwanted thoughts and images they actively try and resist. It is an illness. I've learned that the images and fears could not be further from the truth about who I am. I never once stop loving on my baby, or my family, even in my most tormented states. OCD does not cause you to snap or harm your loved ones. I urge you, if this sounds like anything you are experiencing, REACH OUT, GET HELP, you are not what your OCD is telling to you. You are not alone and there is always hope.

They have been my saving grace...