Wonder Woman? Yeah right, she had it easy.

I feel as though my whole brain has been through some serious trauma...and it has-trust.

but with all that has happened of late, I've been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching and I came to the conclusion that there has been some serious ass kicking going on around here and I should have called the authorities but I don't think they would hear me out or take me in for doing it to myself. (They may however tell me to seek some professional help-for which I currently am...)

Let me tell you that a lot (and I stress A LOT)-of the reason I am here is because of the pressures I have put on myself to be PERFECT. Oh and "here" being the frazzled OCD, mental case formally known as myself. The expectations for mothers (and for women in general) is exhausting! As a mother I was bred in this generation to be great at EVERYTHING at all cost. Some of you might feel this way as well... but I feel I must balance the home, the marriage, being an A student, (the future career), and of course raising an amazing human being...oh AND have the perfect post baby body!!! (SERIOUSLY??) I don't know who CAN function with this kind of pressure...it's no wonder I have buckled trying to "have it all" and look great while doing it...curious to think why so many of us have been on anti-depressants and anxiety pills...

and when did we start judging each other as mothers too...I feel terrible because I honestly have done that very thing.. like when in the store and a 3 year old child is throwing a major tantrum... and I'm thinking "oh my god, why doesn't she just get control of her child"....because you know 3 year olds don't ever throw fits and this is somehow completely abnormal and totally a for sure sign that she is a horrible mother.

Also, for me I am great at living in the "what if I only" state of mind and it is so irritating..."what if I had stayed more focused in school", "what if I hadn't moved", "what if I had kept that job", "what if I hadn't wasted so much of my time dating that seriously lame guy that was completely wrong for me and I knew it but still dated him anyway"...I could go on and on... This is exactly when the "kicking my own ass" comes into play. Well the reality of it is I DID make all those choices and they are now a part of who I am and as cheesy and cliche as it may sound...it really did shape me into to ME. Now when starting to think the "what if I only's" I add on to it "well then I wouldn't have"... and add one of the many really amazing, great things in my life NOW at the end. It has definitely been an eye opener and the negative thinking has got to STOP.( I sometimes actually have to picture a STOP sign in my head.) For now, I'm trying to live in THIS moment and have realistic expectations for just today. Tomorrow can wait...(because it will get here soon enough!)

As my wonderful therapist Dr. Dunnewold told me, it doesn't have to be perfect...just perfectly good.

Oh and as for Wonder Woman? She really was delusional.. what woman in her right mind would go out in this ghastly looking outfit?!

Am I Crazy. Am I Not.

(Your crazy)...wait.. who said that?

Chemical Liar- that's who. New nick name for OCD...oh and did I mention?.. it's a real bitch. I wish it would get off my friggin back and give me a break. My family and I would much appreciate it-thanks.

Some days it feels this way, like today. I guess if it were cancer and I had a brain tumor, I might get a different reaction but since it's a "mental illness" or rather a chemical imbalance, it doesn't really exists and I'm really not experiencing anything real...so I deserve the treatment of a leper.

This isn't my first battle with OCD- the first time I experienced it I suffered in silence...ashamed. To be honest it probably won't be the last time either but I will always continue to fight. It can come and go in a lifetime like waves.

Makes me think, how many wonderful human beings before me have been through this that suffered in silence because of the JUDGEMENT of others..better yet, how many wonderful human beings would still be on this earth if they weren't afraid to reach out for help without the stigma????

To Therapy or Not To Therapy?

O...I totally chose therapy. I can't tell you what insight my wonderful therapist has given me about my OCD-ness. Did you know that mothers with OCD tend to be very nurturing (and maybe even overly so!?!) Lord knows I have a hard time even letting Amelia cry too long and those who are super close to me could attest to that-especially my husband!

Talking it through with my therapist made everything SO CLEAR-whats actually going on in "un-doctorly" terms-is a hormone that makes us naturally protective of our loved ones we OCD-ers have too much of- throwing that already over active part of our brain into OVER DRIVE!...now being a mommy we are naturally protective of our little ones anyway...and I know all you mommy's out there can agree! I used to feel like a lioness!! So us moms with OCD-our brain flashes our worst fears (EVEN AT OUR OWN HANDS!) over and over and over...those with compulsions do them to relieve these fears.

I cried when I finally understood what was going on with my brain...OH SWEET RELIEF...so I CAN'T help it and I'm NOT crazy! (though parts of my brain would disagree with that statement)  I was just made this way...and I am a wonderful person. This has been the most difficult thing I've ever experienced and I'm learning to take it day by day but I would highly suggest to anyone or a mommy who is going through this to see an expert. Though I know it can be terribly (and I mean TERRIBLY) expensive, find a way because it is so beneficial. No matter how much I talked my husband and mom's ear off they weren't capable of giving me the tools to counter act the OCD. Do some research, help is out there!

Find a support group, meeting others who have experienced first hand what you have is encouraging! For those who live in the Dallas area here is a support group (that I joined as well!) Sign up and the organizer will get back at you! http://www.meetup.com/The-Dallas-OCD-Support-Meetup-Group/

http://www.hope4ocd.com/overview.php

OK OCD!!-I get it, so I'm not perfect.

The list of "what ifs" today feel as though it's getting longer and never ending to be honest... The moment I feel a slight glimpse of wellness..I pick up right where I left off..taking on the world, making any progress seem like 2 steps forward and 10 steps back.

"What if I can't do school and be a stay at home mommy?"
"What if I never get my degree?"
"What if I am I terrible mom?"
"What if I'll never be happy again?"
"What if I'll FAIL, FAIL, FAIL?"

Terrible isn't it? Those persistent negative thoughts? I was trying to focus on school work today, completely unable to focus and it was like the words were jumbled on the screen...I am also having terrible memory loss. (A side effect of the meds) It's like I'll be going up the stairs to get something and as soon as I reach the third step, I'll have forgotten completely what I was going up there for! I know many people can relate to me, but this is constant and something I am not used to. To say the least it is SO FRUSTRATING-especially when your trying to do school work.

Focusing on anything is a joke right now... remembering how to use a fork is doing good at the moment. Telling me to write an analysis on a behavioral disorder is like telling me to build a space shuttle...  and would you believe I am learning about behavioral disorders while going through my very own?? Talk about IRONIC?!?! *VERY BIG SIGH* ....today it feels as though the dream is getting further and further away, and these obsessive thoughts of being a failure are coming true.

I need a nap...

Not a survivor but a revivor and OCD- you can take a flying leap.

I heard that little quote in a sermon today and I thought it was fitting...a survivor may just get by but a reviver will live a life renewed. God is beautiful...He takes the most terrible of messes and creates master pieces.

I have to believe this (and I do!)...the thing about OCD is it leaves you with so much self doubt about who you really are. You question everything-EVERYTHING...it's a roller coaster of complete assurance to complete uncertainty..and sometimes within the same moment. Sneaky-tricky it is...indeed. Your brain is at war...and when your at your worst..it's a raging scene.

I'm super tired today..but that could be due to the extensive list of meds I'm currently taking...but honestly- THANK GOD for the meds because they DO help and the war inside my head is slowing down. It always takes a while for your body and brain to adjust. Some days are better then others and for the most part I feel the fog lift and rationally I know I won't be this way forever. Though I was convinced I would never be me again and the person I was had disappeared forever. My husband and family have been SO patient, they reassure me everyday that I'm still here, still me-despite what my negative mental state is saying to me. That's another part of the OCD deal, you look for constant reassurance, so if you or your loved one is continuously asking or searching for reassurance...be there and continue to remind them why they are still themselves.

I know the bad days will get further apart but I am still trying to live in the moment, laughing and endlessly trying to love myself-despite what seems like a MAJOR imperfection..

but this my friends..is perfection.

Oh the horrid shame...

So okay..here I am, revealing to you and the whole world about the deepest darkest secrets that I've kept hidden away for YEARS! Yes,YEARS folks...even now I'm afraid I'll lose contact with people in my life over this but eh- who cares and those who really know me love me...but I think that the awareness has got to get out. People right now may be suffering like me not knowing at all what the hell is going on with themselves or their brain... how the hell do you explain crazy, disturbing thoughts and images? Thoughts and images that repeat, repeat, and repeat till your mad and screaming inside your brain- STOP- SHUT UP!! Have you ever experienced this? Well if so, I understand you! THE STIGMA MUST END!

During a severely stressful time in my teenage life I watched a movie involving a serial killer and was convinced that it somehow related to me and that one day I would become a killer. I obsessed and obsessed over this and thought I was going insane. I avoided looking at, touching, or being near anything sharp (particularly kitchen knives) and was afraid I would turn on my family, I lived in pure fear.

 My husband took a new job, we moved to a new city, and on top of being a mom, I'm a full time student. I was pushing the limits. I became overwhelmed with stress. Out of nowhere I began to have images of hurting my baby and I became afraid to be alone with her...the images scared the living crap out of me and I was terrified I might lose it and hurt her. I thought to myself (NOT AGAIN!) The images would not escape my brain no matter how hard I tried to get rid of them. I was convinced for sure that if I told a soul that I be locked away forever or my husband would run away with our baby...I spent so much wasted time thinking that I was somehow secretly a bad person and waited for the day I would eventually snap and go crazy. I had tremendous amount of shame and guilt and these thoughts and images began to cause me serious anxiety along with panic attacks that landed me in the ER as well. This was just like when I was a teenager- I was unable to sleep, eat, and I avoided my baby and anything sharp like the friggin plague (kitchen knives again!?!)  I kept trying to rationalize my thoughts over and over, and I became so exhausted, scared for my life that I finally reached out for help..I was like, lock me away- I don't care-at least my baby will be safe.

Well guess what- I'm not crazy and all those terrible thoughts I was having are a complete LIE. Not until I recently experienced the black hole of what I now know is Postpartum OCD did I realize what was going on in my brain.There are several types of OCD and not one person or their symptoms may be the same but I deal with the oh- so- lovely pure obsession OCD. This is where someone has intrusive unwanted thoughts and images they actively try and resist. It is an illness. I've learned that the images and fears could not be further from the truth about who I am. I never once stop loving on my baby, or my family, even in my most tormented states. OCD does not cause you to snap or harm your loved ones. I urge you, if this sounds like anything you are experiencing, REACH OUT, GET HELP, you are not what your OCD is telling to you. You are not alone and there is always hope.

They have been my saving grace...